The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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