I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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