just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
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Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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