sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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