I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Bring me that man meat
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
