Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
