She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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