you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
