i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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