it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
