Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize