if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
