So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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