I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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