he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
