Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
