Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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