Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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