My sheets look like a crime scene.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
