My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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