drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
