I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
