Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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