life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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