Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
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He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
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I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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