Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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