i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
