textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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