My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
