I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
