Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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