and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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