What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
