Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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