I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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