I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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