we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
