The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
