My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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