I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
