my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
me + whiskey = a bad person
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Randomize
