I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
