the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
