So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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