that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
