hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
