I think my vagina is haunted
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
