I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
