im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
