I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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