I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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