It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
