I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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