We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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