I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
