My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
