Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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